Friday, July 29, 2005

It's Happy Hour

That's right, it's Friday night. It's a time when people might get together with their co-workers for some beers and salty snacks and bitch about their jobs and bosses while welcoming the weekend. But not so fast, folks. The National Labor Relations Board just OKed it for employers to ban off-duty fraternizing among co-workers. So now when you hang up your rights at the workplace door, you might as well just leave them there when you come home at night. I look forward to hearing the proponents of unfettered capitalism try to explain once again how this sort of free market ideal of letting companies do whatever the hell they want is going to be better for the people. How much farther off are we from the good old days of company towns?

Thursday, July 28, 2005

In Case Anyone Gives a Shit, This is my Humor Style

the Provacateur
(56% dark, 39% spontaneous, 44% vulgar
your humor style:
VULGAR | COMPLEX | DARK


You'll crack on anything, and you're often witty, even caustic, about it. Therefore, your sense of humor is polarizing. You're transgressive, and you've got a seriously sharp 'edge'--maybe too much for some folks.

If they get you, people think you're one of the funniest (and smartest) people in the world. If they don't, they think you're an ass. Whatever, right? While some might question your judgement, your comic intellect is unquestionably respected.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Chris Rock - Lenny Bruce - George Carlin
Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

Always Up to No Good

So a few days ago I blogged about Rupert Murdoch's recent acquisition of MySpace. This prompted me to create a myspace profile for Bill O'Reilly. I found the sleaziest photoshop job of that moron that I could find, and put up some sarcastic personal profile bits. That got a few chuckles over here, but why settle for a few chuckles when there is more trouble to be made? So now Bill has a blog too, and I'm waiting for it to be accepted into Blog Explosion to give it some serious traffic. Bill is also trying to make some friends, both with "good" conservatives, like the right wing Alabama ska band, Evil Right Wing Conspiracy and the man himself, as well as with a bevy of young hotties who can give him those falafel massages he so craves. Bill is also joining some groups to either praise his conservative brethren for being fair and balanced, or to scream at liberals to "Shut up." Is this the most mature thing that I could be wasting my time with? Hells no! Is it fun? Fuck yeah! If you are a myspace user and you're reading this, please add Bill to your friends. He's awfully lonely there with just the guy who runs myspace and some teenage girl from Alabama as his friends. Also please feel free to drop some suggestions in the comments on new and exciting ways for Bill O'Reilly to run amok on MySpace.

Republicans are Space Aliens!

OK, I knew that republicans are a strange breed, but did you know that they are in fact reptile space aliens? OK, they're probably not really reptile space aliens (at least not all of them, the jury is still out on Wolfowitz), but this is some interesting reading that also answers the age old question of why Jesus would need a spaceship (because it would be more comfortable, of course!). (via mefi)

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

This is why I love The Onion!

Bush To London Bombers: 'Bring It On'
WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush officially responded to the latest round of London transit bombings Monday, challenging terrorists to "do their worst." Said Bush, in a televised statement from the Oval Office: "The proud and resilient people of London can take anything the forces of evil and cowardice can throw at them. They will never live in fear of you. Bring it on." Prime Minister Tony Blair thanked Bush for his comments, inviting him to visit London and ride the Underground in a show of solidarity.

Embattled Rove Seeks Asylum in Scarborough Country
SCARBOROUGH COUNTRY—Diplomatic sources reported Monday that White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove has sought asylum in the conservative stronghold of Scarborough Country. "During his June 23 visit, Mr. Rove had indicated he might petition us for sanctuary from media persecution," said Joe Scarborough, the monarchical ruler of Scarborough Country. "And in my country, no passports are required and only common sense is allowed." While officials review Rove's asylum request, he is being held in the No-Spin Zone, a region of absolute neutrality governed by commentator Bill O'Reilly.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Today's News

There are a few things of interest in my quick scan of the headlines today. In terms of federal appointees, Bush doesn't like to release any papers that might show how bad his nominees might be. In the case of the wildly mustachioed Michael John Bolton, he's once again considering a recess appointment. And in the case of Bob John Roberts, he's just flat out refusing to release some of his papers. That's pretty ironic coming from the administration who sold us the Patriot Act based on the logic of "if you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't worry about losing your privacy," but then again, this administration is nothing if not ironic.

And while Karl Rove still remains a free man, Americans continue to die because Bush lied about Iraq, millions of Americans are going without adequate health coverage and American workers are losing their jobs daily to outsourcing, our leaders are focusing on REALLY important issues like a hidden sex scene in a video game! Way to go, congress! Thank you so much for protecting us from video game sex which was harder to find than internet porn.

In good news, Senator pRick Santorum has ruled out running for president in 2008 while Pennsylvanians are contemplating ruling out re-electing his sanctimonious ass for another term. What will this great Christian Crusader do with all the free time he has once he loses his job? Perhaps he'll hit some chat rooms.

And lastly, here's an article (it's Salon, so you'll have to watch a quick ad first) about a congressional special election in Ohio where an Iraq War vet is going up against yet another chicknehawk republican who tells him that she commends him for his service but thinks he should "stand with the president" by "supporting the Iraqi war effort and our troops that are over there," to which he responds "The only way I know how to support the troops is by going over there. All the chicken hawks back here who said, 'Oh, Iraq is talking bad about us. They're going to threaten us' -- look, if you really believe that, you leave your wife and three kids and go sign up for the Army or Marines and go over there and fight. Otherwise, shut your mouth." I really hope this guy gets in. Congress needs this kind of kick in the ass from somebody who was there. But expect the chickenhawks to smear him John Kerry or Max Cleland style. There's nothing that makes them look worse than a guy who was there and knows that it's bullshit, so they'll be sure to trash him badly.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Real Bush Voters in Action

Watch this video to see an example of just one subset of the Bush voter base: racist assholes.

Will no one rid me of this troublesome administration?

So, let's just do a quick recap of Republican fuckheadedness.

When being asked about how he would vote on abortion, Judge Roberts said he would recuse himself.

Oh, that makes it much better. We get to trust that this guy, who has been judge a whopping two whole years, is going to go, "Oh, uh...hmm. Kinda don't like this whole abortion thing, so I'm just gonna chill in the back and play my PSP while you guys decide. Because you know, inflicting my own personal views on the United States, I won't do that. Honestly."

Yeah, just like Ashcroft wouldn't, but just happened to find the exposed tit of Justice too much for his bleached libido.

When asked about his membership in the GOD DAMNED FEDERALIST SOCIETY, Roberts said, "..."

Um...hello? Do you think you get to say nothing? Do you think that the panel is just going to think, "Huh. He, uh...he isn't answering the question. At all. That shows us complete disrespect. I like that! He has moxy! We'll make you Chief Justice!"

Then there's Attorney General Gonzales, who, when the investigation into the Plame affair was launched (he was white house counsel at the time), waited a full TWELVE HOURS before "notifying" the White House of the investigation. Quotations mine. This, of course, gives him all the time in the world to unofficially tell them, "Hey, guys, start shredding! The jig is up!"

So, like, is it just me, or are we taking our love of nostalgia and kitsch way too far, by having a whole cool retro '70s administration that does illegal stuff and thinks they're above the law? Hey, I got an idea, let's launch an investigation and impeach them! We can broadcast the whole thing on Vh1 as part of their "Best Week Ever" and "I love the '70s" wrapped into one! With judge Hal Sparks and Prosecuting Attorney Michael Ian Black!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

In All Seriousness

I have a friend who needs to fly back East ASAP to be with her sister whose week-old infant is having open heart surgery on Tuesday. If you have paypal and can send even just a few bucks, please do. If for no other reason, do it for the karma points. Here are the details. Thanks.

Myspace gets even suckier

Well it looks like the lowest common denominator of social networking sites has been bought by the lowest common denominator corporate media conglomerate. That's right, MySpace has been bought by Fox. In honor of this, I have created a myspace profile for Bill O'Reilly.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Tell me something good

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. On the one hand, this completely bullshit quasi-oppressive regime we've been living under since 2000 is, let's face it, a fucking drag...on the other hand...it kind of feels, doesn't it? Like the worm is about to turn?

Rove's and Libby's inability to keep their stories straight is going to nail them to the wall faster than if they were a piece of pop art on Trading Spaces with five minutes to go until the reveal. I mean, seriously...for a group of guys whose uncanny ability to stay "on message" is nothing short of insect-like hive-mindedness they seem to have fallen apart faster than Stooly McPigeon under the hot lights at the station. "Uh...he told me her name first. Or...no, wait, I told him her name only AFTER I had read it in the papers...er...9/11! Fighting the terrorists there so we don't have to fight them here! Freedom is on the march!"

So that Midas touch Rove seemed to have had turns out to be the opposite, in that everything that has touched him is going to turn to shit. And once all the dots are connected, all the spinning in the world isn't going to save them.

In my dreamworld, we would mash together CourtTV with Scarborough Country and the O'Reilly Factor for the trial of the entire Bush cabinet, along with Rush, O'Reilly, and Hannity just for contributing to the war effort and causing so many deaths. I mean, rather than them interrupting my shows for a stupid ass press conference saying the SAME SHIT OVER AGAIN or telling me that Michael Jackson didn't blow that boy, I'd be mising Fear Factor for something even better...Bush shitting his pants in fear of being a big biker's butt boy. Sitting in an off-the-rack suit in the middle of the courtroom claiming still to be President of the United States. Shots of him in his tighty whities walking around his cell.

Now THAT, Alanis, would be irony.

I Love NY!

Take a moment out from the politics and enjoy some artful pictures of topless women in New York City. (obviously NSFW)

This war needs some better marketing!

So, we all know that the war in Iraq is because Saddam was amassing Weapons of Mass Destruction, er, wait, no, it was something about Iraq having ties to Al Quaeda, uh, nope, not that either... oh right, it was about bringing democracy, freedom, liberty and apple pie to people who have been oppressed. Well it looks like the neocons and the rest of the apologists for this war had better start thinking up a new reason, because Iraq's new constitution is available for viewing and whoever thinks that this is a document of democracy and liberty needs to have their head examined! If they would just admit that this war is about George Dubya's daddy issues and Dick Cheney's personal wealth, they would still be vile, but at least they'd be more honest. Thomas Knapp offers an interesting critique of the new Iraqi constitution.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

A Parade of Asshattery!

Want to see the sort of people who not only think that torture is just A-OK but feel the need to advertise it? Well then check this out. While I expect nothing less of Rush Limbaugh's fans than to go out and publicly support all that is fucked up in the world, just looking at the smug looks on their faces as they make light of torture just makes me want to reach through the monitor and bitchslap the them all. I could let loose a string of nasty things about these people in these pictures, but I think these pictures pretty much speak for themselves. In this country you have the right to be as much of a raging asshole as you want and advertise it on your clothes, but wouldn't you please just think of the children?

Call me Monica!

I know where I'll be tomorrow night. I just saw this in the S.F. Weekly...

Washington Interns Gone Bad is a low-budget political-thriller film made by Jason Buckley on half a crappy shoestring, and it shows: Actors forget their lines, the framing is at times unforgivable, the video is somewhat punishing to look at. But overall, this is the stuff future geniuses make. Sample dialogue -- Republican Staffer: "Bitch, I'm gonna give you a beatdown, like George Bush beat Saddam Hussein." Democratic Staffer: "You mean you're going to give me a bunch of weapons and then fail miserably in your attempts to get me out of power?" R: "Shut up! I'm gonna fuck you up!" D: "The only thing you know how to fuck is the working class! Ha ha ha!" Elizabeth Croydon is hilariously evil and makes up for many of this movie's weeknesses. Interns screens at 7:30 at the Red Victorian Peace Center, 1665 Haight (at Cole) , S.F. Admission is $5, call 864-1978 or visit www.washingtoninternsgonebad.com

This is just like the kind of movie that this liberal San Franciscan loves! I checked out the website, watched the trailer and even watched the first 15 minutes of the movie itself, and it's funny as hell. The reviewer hit the nail on the head. What it lacks in production values, it makes up for in writing. And that Elizabeth woman is going to give me nightmares. I've always been a big fan of so-bad-it's-good cinema. I'll rent pretty much anything that has the name Troma on it. And it's great to see that people are making these kinds of movies with a political bend.

I'm going to win a blog design from Digitally Essential!

Oh how I want a
fresh new design on this blog
I just don't have time

This is my entry in a contest for a free blog template. One of the many hats I wear in my day job is a web designer, but I'm so busy now that I just don't have time to deal with a redesign. So I hope the lovely and talented webmistresses of Digitally Essential smile upon this site.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

You can't change the laws of physics, captain!

James Doohan, R.I.P.

How Bad?

So I'm standing around the gate at Chicago's humongous O'Hare airport waiting for my plane to get back here to San Francisco when my eyes wander from all of the midwestern fashion nightmares walking around to the TV screen in the corner where Wolf Blitzer is looking very serious as he talks about whatever breaking news is so important that the words "breaking news" need to take up half the screen. I don't bother checking out the TV for a while because no matter how breaking this news item might be, I'm more concerned with making sure that I still have a seat on this overbooked plane and that I have some food to take on with me. But once my needs got taken care of, I looked back at the screen and there's George Bush sitting, talking and smirking with some older white guy who is sitting and grinning like he just won a prize. I'm across the gate from the TV and there's no sound on, so I walk up for a closer look and see that it's Bush's supreme court nominee. There's no sound or anything, so all I have is the way he looks and his name to go on. Lookswise he looks just like any other republican guy, with a suit, a sensible haircut, and a look on his face that says "I'm better than you." As far as his name goes, I remember seeing him on one of the lists that one of the mainstream media outlets put out on possible nominees, but I couldn't remember if he was one of the ones that I hated a whole lot or one of the ones that I just hated a little bit.

Lucky for me, I'm on a zillion progressive mailing lists, so once I waded through the hundreds of offers for prescription drugs, penis enlargement and letters from friendly Nigerians who need help getting money out of their country, I got to the action alerts on judge Roberts. So far, he seems fairly typical of the type of person Bush and his gang would nominate. He's a former corporate lobbyist who has worked with Ken Starr, written that Roe vs Wade should be overturned, and has fought to weaken environmental protection, the Voting Rights Act, and the seperation of church and state. And he's not even one of the more extreme people Bush could have nominated. Needless to say, I don't like this guy. It's a pretty fair assumption to make that nobody Bush would consider for any appointment to any position in his government is going to be somebody who I would consider to be a decent human being (hell, I barely consider them human to begin with). But what does it say when I see somebody like this nominated to the Supreme Court and my first thought is "well I guess it could have been worse?"

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

...And Justice For Some

K, so, new Supreme Court Justice nominated, ooo. Anyone surprised that he's anti Roe v. Wade? I mean, look at the picture of this guy. Looks like someone took his libido, steamrolled it, then starched it.

Lest you think for a second that I do not have respect for the law, you're wrong, my friend, wrong wrong wrong. See...I have infinitely more respect for judges than politicians. Judges have to make tough decisions every day, and they have to listen to lawyers bicker like, well...like politicians, and the urge to yell "WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" must be overwhelming. So, mad props to the jurisprudential muthafuckas, yo.

Conservative or not, the national dialogue is gonna be all up in this guy's ass with a penlight asking him to cough. Or am I mixing metaphors?

Anyway, it's gonna suck to be him. It's gonna suck to be his family. And it's gonna suck even more to have to hear about how much it sucks to be him and his family.

So this poor schmuck gets to have his personal life laid out for the nation like papers at the Austrian/German border, smiling hopefully at us while his eyes flicker between the cigarette we're smoking and the Luger in our other hand.

But you see, I have sympathy for this guy. I do. At least, I do, for now, until I hear about how he torches Barney dolls in his back yard. Er. Probably actually like him, then.

Reason I have sympathy for this guy is he is totally and completely a pawn. Just doing his job on the bench, not making any particular waves, but suddenly this guy becomes part of Bush's three card monte game, hoping we're gonna forget about Rove. "Watcha red card, watcha red card...oop! Where'd it go? Looks like you get a black card instead. Pay me my 20, BEYOTCH!"

Checking the front pages of MSNBC and CNN, it appears to have worked. No Rove loveliness, instead, "Who is this handsome young judge who is a dead ringer for the Vice Principal in 'Summer School'?"

So, any press guys out there with balls, please, please, please...WATCH THE FUCKING RED CARD.

Monday, July 18, 2005

What's Going On?

Hey folks,
I'm heading back to lovely San Francisco tomorrow afternoon. While I've grown to really like living in San Francisco, sometimes I still complain about how foggy it is in my 'hood this time of year. But I have a new found appreciation for the crazy micro-climates of the Bay Area after spending one week in the swamp of humidity that is New York in July! I do love my home state though. I love how green everything is. I love the long winding country roads through the maple and oak forests. I love the Hudson River. But I hate how heavy the air feels.

So while I've been on vacation, I've been enjoying my friends and family and ignoring the entire outside world. It's quite refreshing, but now that it's almost over, I'm getting curious again. Is Karl Rove in a pound-me-in-the-ass federal penitentiary yet? How about Tom DeLay? Kenny Boy? What's going on with the Supreme Court? Has our president said anything to embarass us this week? Have we found any WMD's in Iraq? Have we captured bin Laden? Talk to me, people. Let me know what I've missed!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Shit? Meet the fan.

So...let's see. Where to begin, honestly?

Bush's numbers are seriously taking a nosedive, and these were polls that were taken before all the lovely Roveness that's going on.

Scotty Mclellan continues to be hammered, and his protestations of "no comment" are beginning to sound more and more like Jimmy Hoffa in front of a Grand Jury.

Looks like the press was rooting around in its pocket for some change and found its balls again. "Hey, where have these been? I've been looking for these..."

It's fun to see Scott sweat while being asked him about legitimate crimes committed by the White House. Look at that punim! Doesn't he look like he's thinking..."I coulda stayed in real estate, but no...I hadda hook my wagon up to this chimp...man, I'm never gonna get the kind of work Stephanopoulos gets..."

So, a little while ago I was going to create a post called "The Seven Deadly Sins of George W. Bush", and, you know, link each sin to something he'd done, see how clever I am? So I wrote the post...thinking, eh...perhaps inelegant, but it makes its point. Then, just to satisfy curiosity, I googled it.

6,130 hits. Fuck.

What about "Dick Cheney Looks Like Skeletor"?

697 hits. Double fuck.

Well, hell, then, what about "Fuck George W. Bush"?

9,500 hits. Woah.

So...now I'm thinking.

We're going to have a contest, here.

All you HTML coders out there, the San Francisco Liberal needs YOU!

We need a web tracker, that tracks the amount of websites that contain the words "Fuck George W. Bush" on it. So we can all watch it grow.

Send your submissions to me. Best one, or first one, really, wins, and we'll put it on our page, and try to pass it off to other pages as well.

We're all counting on you!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

What, they worry?

The republicans are outraged, OUTRAGED, that Hillary Clinton compared Bush to Alfred E. Newman in a speech. I, for one, am surprised that she actually has a sense of humor, but I digress. Yes, it's the professional victims society back to their old antics about how unfairly they're being treated. And just how short is their memory? Apparently, they have no recollection of the sorts of things they used to say about Bill Clinton. I think calling the President a "scumbag" on the floor of the Senate is a tad worse than making a reference to a comic character. How about making death threats (scroll to #2) to the president? How does it compare to Karl Rove's comments about liberals' reaction to 9/11? How does it compare to Falwell's blaming gays for 9/11? How does it compare to Ann Coulter wishing that Tim McVeigh blew up the New York Times? Now, I understand that it's the job of the reactionary right to get their panties in a bunch every time Hillary Clinton opens her mouth about anything. But I wonder if they have any idea how ridiculous it makes them look? These are people who compared the Abu Ghraib torture to fraternity pranks, yet one reference to Mad Magazine has them fuming. Go figure.

PS. This is the last you'll hear from me for about a week. As lovely as this great liberal city by the bay is, even big bad terrorist appeasing, Saddam loving, cheese eating surrender monkeys like yours truly need a vacation. But don't expect me to spend any of my money in any red states. I'll be in nice blue New York, which republicans seem to like only when they can use it to exploit 9/11. I leave you in the capable hands of our operative deep in the heart of Texas.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Conversations with a Fundamentalist Catholic

This last week, I was talking to a Republican Catholic at my office, and while we rarely discuss politics and/or religion (me being soundly in the minority, but very VERY vocal when it comes time to discuss it), it came up in the form of the discussion of the new pope. When I was telling him how I felt it was a little odd to think that this guy, Joey Ratz, is now THE VOICE OF GOD ON EARTH, and is completely infallible, according to Catholic Dogma, out of left field comes this thing he says:

"Well, he won't allow the gays to marry. That's what God wants."

"Uh...what?"

"Gays marrying is against God."

"How do you know?"

"It just is. My religion tells me so. A while ago, I saw a transvestite, and I told him, 'You are hurting God', and I felt afterwards as if I was doing God's work."

"Uh...well, you know, if he was a transvestite, he may have not been gay...there's actually a fairly significant amount of transvestites who are..."

"Oh, he was definitely gay. So I told him he was hurting God."

"OK, I just want to get this straight. Because, you know, maybe I'm just fucked in the head, or something, but...someone loving someone, regardless of what form that loves takes, someone who loves someone else...be they gay, straight, whatever...love can somehow HURT God, while saying hurtful things to someone, telling them that their life, their love, their way of life is an abomination...this is something that HELPS God?"

"Gay love isn't love. It's just sinful fornication."

"So, what about those old male couples, you know, in their '70s, don't really get it up anymore, just hang around listening to Cole Porter and watching really fine movies...that isn't love?"

"No. And it's against God."

"Couldn't it be that your hate and your discrimination is what hurts God, and that these people loving one another actually makes the world a better place?"

"You can't tell me that my religion is wrong! It isn't! YOU DON'T BELIEVE!"

And at that, you know, with nothing more to say, I left.

If I have to choose between surrendering my soul to a guy in a funny hat or living as a heretic...I'll pick heretic, thank you very much.

We have a better dress code, anyway.

-- SF Native in Exile

And he would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids!

Turd Blossom is going down! That's right, Karl Rove has been named as the White House source who outed Valerie Plame as a CIA operative, playing politics with her life because her husband committed the high crime of pointing out the lies of the administraion about Saddam's "alleged" attempt to purchase enriched uranium from Niger. Here's the point in this post where any right wingers will jump straight to the comments and call me a Saddam lover, or an appeaser, or a traitor. Yet you've got a top level White House official who during wartime has aided and abetted the enemy by outing one of our spies. That there is the very definition of TREASON. So, this is the point where I expect all of the right wingers to stop making excuses for Karl Rove and show a little consistancy. I've heard my share of right wing squawkers saying that just criticizing the war is treason. So now that you've got something a bit more serious than that, I expect to hear some talk about sending this traitor first to Gitmo and then the firing squad. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm sure that the entire right side of the blogosphere will all of a sudden become awfully easy on acts of treason, imprisonment, and the death penalty.

I'll leave you folks with something to think about. If Karl Rove and Tom DeLay had to share a cell in federal prison, which one would be the butch and which one would be the bitch?

Saturday, July 09, 2005

A Warm San Francisco Liberal Welcome

I would very much like to welcome our newest member of this blog. While I'm getting him all set up with a blogger account, here's the post that he sent me by email. As this is an anonymous blog, his first name has been replaced by "Asterisk" in this story, but the rest of his name is so good that he just had to blog about it. He's a lifelong San Francisco native currently living deep in the heart of enemy territory. Enjoy...

The Family Name

By Asterisk W. Bush

"Any relation?"

Back in 1988, when George, senior was elected (man, there were slim pickings that year), I'd get asked this question an awful lot. It didn't happen so much during the Reagan years because GHWB was more or less invisible the whole time. He didn't really come up for air until the whole Iran-Contra deal.

But, living as I was in the Bay Area, it'd always be with a hint of hostility. "Party of 2 for Bush…oh…any relation?" the Maitre'd would say, that little nostril sniff of indignance preparing to unleash its venom at me. "No," I'd say, "unless it gets me a discount."

Back then it was much easier to tolerate, being as I was more or less politically indifferent. Liberal, of course, but I didn't really care too much about the process. Little dull, ya know? At least, until Gulf War 1.

Suddenly, with the indignance of "Any Relation?" came some actual hostility. Like I could pick up the phone, you know, and call my distant relative and have him bring the troops back.

I began doing some research with my grandmother.

"Are we related to these guys?"

"No, we're from Texas, they're from Maine," she said.

So, then, 1992, Clinton comes into the presidency, and the "any relation" question becomes less hostile and more jocular, as if to say, "Hey, you related to that pinhead? Whoo, what a loser!" Then we'd laugh, and I'd say "If it gets me a discount, sure!" Then we'd laugh some more while a jukebox played Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)".

As I grew older and became more successful in my private life, the first instances of my name appearing in credits became an issue…so, rather than have my name be out there as "Asterisk Bush", I decided to use my middle initial, "W". Kind of tricks the eye a little, I thought, it doesn't really read as "Bush".

Shortly thereafter, a friend of mine told me about this Texas Governor, named George W. Bush.

"Hey, you any relation?" He says to me.

"No, not that I know of."

Weird, though, him having that middle initial thing going, too.

So I call my grandmother, again.

"Hey, we any relation to that George W. Bush guy?"

"No, we're from Texas, they're from Maine."

"But this guy is Governor of Texas. Has an accent and everything."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you. They're from Maine. He probably fakes his accent to get more votes."

So, 2000. Election time. Around this time I moved to Orange County for my work…and the question became much different…less mocking and much more reverential, almost fanboy-like, as if "Hey, are you any relation" meant I could get them backstage passes to the inaugural ball or something.

Orange County, go figure.

I begin seeing the "W" bumper stickers. Friends start calling me "W" thinking that it's funny.

Now, though, my response to the question is getting more hostile.

"Any relati…"

"FUCK NO! FUCK THAT GUY!!!"

Now it's 2005. My work has taken me to Texas.

More or less thoroughly behind enemy lines.

W stickers are everywhere, Bush/Cheney signs are proudly displayed on lawns, and don't even get me started on the "One Nation, Under God" billboards.

My wife and I are filling out an application for a line of credit at a furniture store. The guy processing the application is older, mid to late '50s. He reads my name.

"Hey, you any relation?"

Sigh. "No. They're from Maine, my family is from Texas." I expect the inevitable slavish salivations of Christian Republican dogma to spill out of this guy's mouth any second, and I know I'm not gonna argue because I want him to approve my application.

He says, "Good. That guy's screwing up this country bad. I mean, I used to be a Republican, but man…hey! Look at your credit rating! Looks like you could teach him a thing or two about fiscal responsibility!"

"Well, thanks. Yeah, so, no relation. Proud of it."

"Well, tell you what. Since you're no relation…I'll give you a discount."

Friday, July 08, 2005

A Fresh Perspective on London

As the right side of the blogosphere is currently buzzing with masturbatory fantasies of every last detail of how they want to kill every last Muslim in the world because of the London bombings, at least there is one voice on the right who sees this attack as any Ferengi good conservative should: as an opportunity to make money.

Salvation à la mode and a cup of tea

Oh irony of ironies! A Wisconsin major in the Salvation Army (I don't know about any of you, but I never knew they actually had ranks in the Salvation Army. Are all of the thrift store employees privates, except for the managers who would have to be supply seargents?) who called a city offical "Anti-Christian" for the awful crime of trying to keep that line between church and state from being further blurred, has just been arrested for sending a naked picture of himself to a cop posing as a 14 year old boy. I'm glad to see that this guy has such solid Christian values! He must think he's a priest or something. (via Gwenny's Tribe blog)

Welcome DUer's!

...or as those sociopathic fucknuggets at Freak Republic might say in that Jerry Seinfeld to Newman voice, " hello DUmmies." No offense meant by that. I love you guys, but on this blog we (and by "we" I mean "I" since it's still just little old me writing here at the moment) like to wear the insults of the right as a badge of honor. So anyway, it's great to see this blog show up in the Blog Box so shortly after going live! With all of this DU traffic, I really hope that there are some well spoken San Franciscans with a sarcastic wit and a passion for blogging who might like to join in on this effort. Please read the mission statement/call for bloggers if you're interested. And keep on kicking ass!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

London calling to the faraway towns...

...Now war is declared - and battle come down

While the common thought amongst the Karl Rove set of right wingers is that San Francisco liberals like myself will be quick to blame America first for the terror attacks in London this morning, they couldn't be further from the truth. As a citizen of a country founded by terrorist attacks on the English, I am angry as hell at the perpetrators of this attack. I bet even the Irish are pissed off about this and putting aside their grievances for at least a day or two. But there's a major difference in how the right and the left react to this kind of news. The right are quick to wrap themselves up in the flag and start talking about how "we should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." While the left try to think of why this might have happened and how we could prevent this sort of thing from happening again. When our country was attacked, the quick response from the right was to pass legislation that erodes our rights and then invade a country that had nothing to do with the attacks and pretty much quit hunting for the people who actually did attack us, all the while calling anybody who questioned this genuinely questionable policy a traitor or worse. And what has this policy done besides radicalize a whole lot of people who were once moderate Muslims to join the jihad against us and bring more terror attacks to our allies in all this? Well, it's managed to flush the lives of some 1800 of our young soldiers down the toilet for no damned good reason at all. And it's helped Dick Cheney's friends make a whole lot of money. The problem here is that you've got fundamentalists fighting other fundamentalists, and that's not going to solve a damn thing. What needs to be stamped off the face of the earth is religious fundamentalism of all stripes. It's the 21st century, for crying out loud! Has the human race evolved at all if we're still killing each other over interpretations of superstitious texts written thousands of years ago and translated over and over to serve the needs of the ruling classes to keep the people in line? What do we need to do to stop this cycle of insanity? I don't attempt to have an answer to that, but I know that what we're doing sure as hell isn't working.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Help end the hunger

Folks, I'd like to take a little break from the partisan bickering and try to bring both sides together on a very important issue. There are people starving right here in America, right here in California, just about 8 hours down the 101 in LA. Can't we please join together to help feed Lindsay?

Fire them all and let god sort it out!

What's the conservative response to transit workers who need a raise? Lay 'em off, cut their pay, and fuck 'em in the ass. Never ones to shy away from taking pop shots at the Bay Area, these "compassionate" conservatives have taken to bashing the best public transit system in the world. They see everyting in terms of profits, but some things that we as a society need are not necessarilly a profitable (at least moneywise) venture. So regardless if BART is making enough money, it is easing traffic, easing pollution, and helping people get to their jobs, so as a society, we benefit. When is it OK with these clowns to spend more money than we make? When it comes to killing some dark people in other countries, of course!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Two must-see videos

One is funny. One is scary.

Monday, July 04, 2005

More from the internets - Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to other countries.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you are the Republican Governor of California.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Found on the internets - You Know you're a Conservative When...

You know you're a conservative when you can believe that the nation should be ruled according to the Bible but conveniently forget the part about wealth being the most certain path AWAY from any Christian ideal of heaven.

You know you're a conservative when you believe that the poor are in that situation because they are lazy and then you thank God for all of your good fortunes (see above).

You know you're a conservative when you demand that a collection of cells in a woman's womb constitutes life and then, eighteen or nineteen years later, you send that same collection of cells off to kill and die for puerile and insane political or economic reasons.

You know you're a conservative when you believe that a profit-driven and greed filled multinational corporation will behave decently enough to protect the environment, workers, and provide safe and healthful products but an elected and responsive government that protects consumers from those same corporations is too "inefficient".

You know you're a conservative when you think that PBS is a waste of public funds but allowing corporations to pay for the programs (and to limit what those programs can say) is somehow an intelligent alternative.

You know you're a conservative when you happily support even the most insane policy of the NRA while whining that the ACLU is going over board when it questions society's need for automatic weapons with ammo clips that hold a hundred Teflon coated, armor penetrating bullets.

You know you're a conservative when you believe that HIV and AIDS are God's punishments but ignore the hundreds of thousands of deaths that the sacred tobacco plant causes.

In fact, you know you're a conservative when you believe that HIV and AIDS are God's punishments but you die from coronary disease brought on by a life of fatty food and days spent as a couch potato.

You know you're a conservative when you believe that affirmative action for blacks or women is unconstitutional but the good ol' boy admission policies at places like Yale and Harvard are the right of the wealthy.

You know you're a conservative when you think photos of naked humans are evil and pictures of two humans engaged in the act of sex sends you into spasms but filling the planet with real filth and pollution is justifiable as a cost of doing business.

You know you're a conservative when you want to ban any form of sex education in schools but then refuse to offer care, through welfare or food stamps, for the children conceived by uneducated kids .

You know you're a conservative when you believe that inflicting physical pain on a child teaches them respect or discipline or whatever but making white collar criminals pay for their sins is interfering with the capitalist system.

You know you're a conservative when you detest funding public schools but see nothing wrong with wasting tax dollars on vouchers to pay for an education at private or religious schools for wealthy families.

You know you're a conservative when you see no irony in demanding that other nations rise to an arbitrary level of human rights while America has the highest per capita prison population on Earth, more than Iran or Russia or China or any other country we are so quick to criticize.

You know you're a conservative when you think that a President that puts his weenie where it might not ought to be is worthy of impeachment but a President who send military weapons, including sophisticated anti-aircraft, shoulder-mounted missiles, deserved to be pardoned by his hand-picked water boy.

Finally, you know you're a conservative when you believe that greed, selfishness, hate, divisiveness, and the adoration of the wealthy is an acceptable life.

4th of July, San Francisco Liberal Style

I'm sure some of you red staters out there want to know just how us anti-American San Franciscans celebrate our country on the 4th of July. Here's how Karl Rove and the like probably picture it...

The San Francisco liberal traitors wake up, do a few bong hits, drink some coffee and sit down on the toilet for their morning constitutional. While doing their dirty business, they read the Anarchist Cookbook, the Koran or perhaps one of the most harmful books of the 19th and 20th centuries. When they're done, they wipe themselves with an American flag if they bother to wipe at all. Then it's off for a full day of hating our country. The San Francisco liberals will use this day off from work that our founding fathers died to bring them to go have barbecues with their comrades, starting their fires with American flags, grilling tofu burgers shaped like George W. Bush to burn in effigy, and talking about how great Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden and Michael Moore are. As they get drunker on their fancy schmancy micro-brews and higher from smoking their "medical" marijuana, they might light off some fireworks, pretending that they are bombs going off in Christian churches or the homes of fine patriots like Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, or Ann Coulter. Then the men will all have a huge homosexual orgy while the women practice witchcraft, casting spells to harm our troops in Iraq.

But in reality...

We celebrate this holiday pretty much the same as everybody else, just without all the ignorant jingoist trappings. We know that the first settlers here were the predecessors to the current wingnut religious right, escaping persecution in Europe. But the people who drafted the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were classical liberal thinkers who founded a country based on freedoms and rights for all people (which at the time included only land owning white men) to practice any religion they wanted or none at all. They recognized the right to bear arms not because rednecks would someday want to hunt deer with machine guns and hand grenades, but because they knew that governments had a way of becoming tyrannical and might someday need to be overthrown. San Francisco liberals celebrate the 4th of July as a day when a bunch of liberals told the right wing imperialist tyrants in charge that they were mad as hell and weren't going to take it anymore. Today we set off our fireworks as a symbol of the explosive battles that gave our country its freedom and as symbols of the battles that might come to get those freedoms back from the creeping theocratic fascism embodied by those who support the Bush regime.

Happy Independence Day! It's not about waving a flag. It's about Revolution!

Sunday, July 03, 2005

New Group Blog - Members Needed

So here's the deal... Is there any city in this great country of ours that is hated by the right wing quite as much as San Francisco? Sure, they hate Hollywood when it's convenient, but they still watch movies. And they hate New York City most of the time except when they need to exploit 9/11. But nothing gets a right winger riled up quite as much as people from this foggy city by the bay. Go into a political chat and mention you're from here and get ready for a whole bunch of replies ranging from the relatively benign "well that figures" to the wishes for earthquakes or terrorist attacks to kill all of us "anti-American" liberals, to the downright protesting-a-little-bit-too-much-if-you-know-what-I-mean homophobic "well I hope you get AIDS from your boyfriend and die" type of hate.

Well I think that it's high time that we big bad liberal San Franciscans embrace their insults, and shove it right back in their faces. That's the idea of this blog. They've lowered the bar on political discourse, so it's time to get down in the mud with them, take off the gloves, and sling some shit! There are plenty of serious political blogs out there, but this is not going to be one of them. Sure, we will discuss plenty of serious issues and help point good people toward actions they can take to help slow the crawl toward theocratic fascism under the Bush regime. But we'll do it while serving up heaping helpings of comedy, sarcasm, snark and satire.

But I can't do this alone. So I'm looking for a few good bloggers.

Want to join this blog? Please drop me an email. I want to represent all of the diversity that this city has to offer. You know who you are. I'm talking about gays, hippies, lesbians, Asians, Latinos, transgendereds, African Americans, Wiccans, goths, Anarchists, ravers, Greens, pagans, freaks, geeks, and otherwise uniques. The only requirements are that you live in San Francisco (or closeby in the bay area - they really hate Berkeley too!), you're a lefty, you're a decent writer, and most importantly you can be funny as hell. We will blog anonymously under pseudonyms that embrace the names that right wingers call us. That's why I'm posting as "Liberal Traitor." Please send along a $1000 application fee an introduction telling me a little something about why you'd be a good addition to this blog, and a writing sample or a link to an existing blog you have.

If we're going to live in a city that is a lightning rod for right wing hate, let's represent!