Monday, July 04, 2005

Found on the internets - You Know you're a Conservative When...

You know you're a conservative when you can believe that the nation should be ruled according to the Bible but conveniently forget the part about wealth being the most certain path AWAY from any Christian ideal of heaven.

You know you're a conservative when you believe that the poor are in that situation because they are lazy and then you thank God for all of your good fortunes (see above).

You know you're a conservative when you demand that a collection of cells in a woman's womb constitutes life and then, eighteen or nineteen years later, you send that same collection of cells off to kill and die for puerile and insane political or economic reasons.

You know you're a conservative when you believe that a profit-driven and greed filled multinational corporation will behave decently enough to protect the environment, workers, and provide safe and healthful products but an elected and responsive government that protects consumers from those same corporations is too "inefficient".

You know you're a conservative when you think that PBS is a waste of public funds but allowing corporations to pay for the programs (and to limit what those programs can say) is somehow an intelligent alternative.

You know you're a conservative when you happily support even the most insane policy of the NRA while whining that the ACLU is going over board when it questions society's need for automatic weapons with ammo clips that hold a hundred Teflon coated, armor penetrating bullets.

You know you're a conservative when you believe that HIV and AIDS are God's punishments but ignore the hundreds of thousands of deaths that the sacred tobacco plant causes.

In fact, you know you're a conservative when you believe that HIV and AIDS are God's punishments but you die from coronary disease brought on by a life of fatty food and days spent as a couch potato.

You know you're a conservative when you believe that affirmative action for blacks or women is unconstitutional but the good ol' boy admission policies at places like Yale and Harvard are the right of the wealthy.

You know you're a conservative when you think photos of naked humans are evil and pictures of two humans engaged in the act of sex sends you into spasms but filling the planet with real filth and pollution is justifiable as a cost of doing business.

You know you're a conservative when you want to ban any form of sex education in schools but then refuse to offer care, through welfare or food stamps, for the children conceived by uneducated kids .

You know you're a conservative when you believe that inflicting physical pain on a child teaches them respect or discipline or whatever but making white collar criminals pay for their sins is interfering with the capitalist system.

You know you're a conservative when you detest funding public schools but see nothing wrong with wasting tax dollars on vouchers to pay for an education at private or religious schools for wealthy families.

You know you're a conservative when you see no irony in demanding that other nations rise to an arbitrary level of human rights while America has the highest per capita prison population on Earth, more than Iran or Russia or China or any other country we are so quick to criticize.

You know you're a conservative when you think that a President that puts his weenie where it might not ought to be is worthy of impeachment but a President who send military weapons, including sophisticated anti-aircraft, shoulder-mounted missiles, deserved to be pardoned by his hand-picked water boy.

Finally, you know you're a conservative when you believe that greed, selfishness, hate, divisiveness, and the adoration of the wealthy is an acceptable life.

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