Thursday, October 27, 2005

T'was the Night Before Fitzmas

Twas the night before Fitzmas, and in the White House
Every one was scared shitless, and Bush was quite soused
The indictments were hanging like Damoceles’ sword
As verminous oxen prepared to be gored

The perps were all sleepless, curled fetal in bed
While visions of prison cells loomed in each head
And Dick in his jammies, and George in his lap
Were sweating and swearing and looking like crap

When out on the web there arose such a clatter
The blogs and the forums were buzzing with chatter
Away to the PC Rove ran like a flash
He booted his browser and cleared out his cache

The rumors that flew through the cold autumn air
Made Dubya shiver with angry despair
When what to his horror-filled eyes did he spy?
A bespectacled man with a brown suit and tie!

With an impartial manner that gave Bush the shits
He knew in a moment it must be St. Fitz!
With unwavering voice, his indictments they came
He cleared out his throat and he called them by name:

Now Scooter, Now Libby,
Now Blossoming Turd,
Now Cheney, dear Cheney,
Yes, you are the third
To the bench of the court
Up the steps, down the hall
Now come along, come along,
Come along, all!

He then became silent, and went right to work
He filed the indictments and turned with a jerk
And pointing his finger at justice’s scale
Said, “The people be served, and let fairness prevail.”

He then left the room, to his team gave a nod
And the sound could be heard of a crumbling facade
And we all did exclaim, as he faded from sight
“Merry Fitzmas to all, and to all a good night!”

- © Daryl W. Permission granted to repost. Please include this attribution.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Who wants some cool stickers?

A friend of mine works in a sign shop and has made a bunch of cool decals. You can go buy them here.

2K Why?

Well, it's just been reported that the 2000th US soldier has died in Iraq and for what exactly? While we are wasting billions of dollars and thousands of lives, not a single WMD has been found, and while the neocons tout these elections and the new constitution, these are both happening under occupation by gunpoint which is not exactly "spreading democracy" as these clowns say they're doing over there. While some schools may have gotten a fresh coat of paint, the infastructure is crumbling. And now there's all sorts of fundimentalist Islamists who are viewing Iraq as a prime place to build a new theocracy. But it's not all bad news. At least Haliburton stocks are up!

Anyway, I urge you all to join one of the candlelight vigils tomorrow night somewhere near you. You Bush supporters, don't even bother commenting on this post. I usually encourage the futile attempt to debate issues between people whose minds are already made up, but this time I just don't want to hear it and you will be deleted.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Tonight on COPS...

"To any sheriff or peace officer of the state of Texas, greetings, you are hereby commanded to arrest Thomas Dale DeLay and keep him safely so that you have him before the 331st Judicial District Court of Travis County,"
Tom DeLay, they're gonna haul your corrupt ass into a Texas and throw the book at you! Unfortunately, he will probably post bail instead of becoming some bubba's bitch in a Texas jail, but on the upside, we will have mugshots soon on The Smoking Gun. The other cool thing is that with DeLay going down and an indictment looming for some white house official over the Plamegate investigation, the house of cards that is the Bush misadministration is crumbling. Watching the neocons defend this gang of criminals to the very end will be entertaining to say the least. Watch the excuses pile up. Listen to all the talk of the ends justifying the means.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

What to Watch

With cable TV there are a ridiculous amount of shows these days. How do you figure out which ones you want to watch? Sometimes, you've got to go to an outside source to give you some recommendations. Luckily, the far right fundie loonies over at the Parents' Television Council have been good enough to provide us their Top 10 lists. There are a couple of surprises on their 10 best list, but for the most part, they're a snore. But the Top Worst are the shows you really ought to be watching! Their quotes are in italics, my comments are not.

1. The War at Home - Fox/8:30 Sunday - 1st Season
Billed as a family comedy, The War at Homemay be one of the raunchiest and least intelligent shows of the new season. The Washington Post described it as "unconscionably smutty," then went on to say, "the problem is not just that it's crude and gross, but that its crudeness and grossness are so pathetically forced and contrived. Its vulgarity has no integrity... all the characters are vile in spirit and objectionable in essence."

The Washington Post nailed it. This show is horribly forced. I love me some crude and gross sitcom humor, but it has to be better written and better acted for it to work. It's too bad, because I usually really like Michael Rappaport as an actor.

...It goes downhill from there. An early episode this season had Dave buying his teenage son a lubricant because he was making himself sore from masturbating too often.

The Parents Television Council obviously wants young boys to hurt themselves masturbating. That's just sick!

2. The Family Guy - Fox/9:00 Sunday - Returning show
This unbelievably foul animated series made a strong come back after being off the air for two years, thanks to the success of DVD sales among young males. The raunchy series follows the Griffins, a blue-collar New England family which includes a martini-swilling, talking dog and a matricidal baby bent on world domination. The show bases its humor on scatological and sexual references (including masturbation, incest, bestiality, necrophilia), and spoofs on popular culture. Institutions such as the church and family are held up to ridicule on a near-weekly basis. One episode this season featured Meg being deflowered by Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live.

I LOVE Family Guy! PTC obviously just doesn't get the humor and the complete randomness of it.

3. American Dad! - Fox/9:30 Sunday - Returning show
Completing Fox's Sunday night trifecta of raunch is American Dad. From the same creator as Family Guy and just as popular with young viewers, American Dad follows Stan, a conservative CIA agent and his unusual family that includes an alien and a goldfish that speaks with a German accent. In the first episode of the 2005 season Stan's rebellious teenaged daughter Hayley began a sexual affair with Stan's boss. Stan happily overlooked the inappropriate relationship because he was in line for a promotion.

They just don't like it because it makes a conservative look like a jerk, and they also just don't get the humor and complete randomness of it. Seth McFarlane could write a children's book and these squares still wouldn't get it.

4. The O.C. - Fox /8:00 Thursday - Returning show
One episode last season featured a party in which teenagers were shown smoking pot, snorting cocaine, and engaging in drunken threesomes. Another storyline focused on Marissa's mother's attempts to get an X-rated video tape back from her pornographer ex-boyfriend, who was using it for blackmail. Also last season, Marissa experimented with a same-sex relationship (which just happened to coincide with the February sweeps).

I've never seen The OC. Over the top teen dramas like 90210 have always been a guilty pleasure of mine, and this looks even better! I've also heard that they have some great bands like the Killers and Modest Mouse play on the show. And were they supposed to burry the hot lesbian action during some non-sweeps time? Puh-leeze! Sweeps months are the hottest times to watch trashy TV.

5. C.S.I. (Crime Scene Investigation) - CBS/9:00 Thursday - Returning show
Last season, episodes included storylines about the murder of a man who practiced the sexual fetish of infantilism, complete with scenes of him playing baby and "nursing" from his girlfriend's breasts; a murder resulting from the antics at a wife-swapping sex party; the investigation of illegal sex-change operations, complete with frightening and graphic death scenes; and a case at a mental hospital that revealed a twisted relationship of mother-son incest. In the first two episodes of this current season there was a storyline about a man dying from auto-erotic asphyxiation and a plot involving a special Las Vegas luxury "party bus" in which men were entertained by strippers.

Another show I've never bothered with, I never felt the need for a grizzly crime drama "ripped from the headlines." But this sounds hot! Are the various CSI spinoffs this hot too?

6. Desperate Housewives - ABC/9:00 Sunday- Returning show
Lowlights last season include Gabrielle's adulterous and criminal relationship with her teenaged gardener and Bree's discovery that her husband Rex was engaging in kinky sex with a prostitute.

How can they list the lowlights of Desperate Housewives without mentioning the moronic bits of dialogue between Terri Hatcher's character and her daughter. Real moms and daughters don't talk like that. It's just stupid. In fact, I'd say Terri Hatcher's entire character played badly for comic relief is the lowlight of the show. And am I the only guy in the world who doesn't think Eva Longoria is really all that hot?

7. Two and a Half Men - CBS/9:00 Monday - Returning show
Charlie is a promiscuous jingle-writer whose life continues to be up-ended while his divorced brother, Alan, and young nephew, Jake, live in his home. Charlie's overpowering libido, unfortunately, continues to trump any impulse to be a responsible role model for his young nephew. There are constant references to the steady stream of one-night stands parading in and out of Charlie's bedroom. As for female role models, there aren't any. Women in this sitcom consist of the bimbos Charlie sleeps with, then discards; Alan's shrewish, vindictive, gold-digger of an ex-wife; and Alan and Charlie's wealthy, materialistic and youth-obsessed mother.

What? A sitcom full of stereotypes??? Well I never! And I never watched this show either. But hey, if PTC dosn't like it...

8. That ‘70s Show - Fox/Returning in November ‘05
That '70s Show follows a group of teens growing up in a small Wisconsin town during the 1970s. Frequently included on the PTC's Top 10 Worst list, this series once again earns a spot for its casual and irresponsible treatment of teen sex and drug use, which are depicted as risk- and consequence-free. Frequent references are made to pornography and masturbation. In one episode, for example, Kelso decides that he has to start respecting women, so he gives Fez his entire collection of pornographic magazines. Jackie says that giving Fez a "box full of nudie magazines" is like giving a monkey a loaded gun, to which Fez replies, "No, it's not. A monkey with a loaded gun can hurt a lot of people. I can only hurt myself." When they see Fez later, he looks exhausted because he has done nothing but look at pornography all day. Episodes also endorse smoking marijuana as harmless fun.

I wish I was a teenager in the 70's! I haven't seen a new episode of That 70's Show in a while, but I've always found it to be really funny. But if the show started in 76 and it's been on for more than 4 years now, shouldn't it be That 80's Show? I know, they tried having a That 80's Show which lasted all of a week or two, but still.

9. Arrested Development - Fox/ 8:00 Monday - Returning show
Arrested Development is designed to offend. Episodes regularly contain scripted bleeps. This enables the writers to use language, including "f**k" and "s**t," network censors would never allow. Arrested Development also employs some of the most outrageous double-entendres ever to find their way into prime-time. In one episode, for example, Tobias says he was an analyst and a therapist, making him the first "analrapist." Other episodes have delved into the bizarre sexual proclivities of the main characters, such as Lucille's revelation that she and George derive sexual pleasure from being strangled with a belt.

I've only seen Arrested Development a couple of times. I love it, but I just can't seem to fit it into my schedule.

10. Cold Case - CBS/8:00 Sunday - Returning show
Cold Case continues to deliver shocking and disturbing themes and scenes. Last year's episodes included grisly crimes involving a transvestite teenaged prostitute killed in a possible snuff film; a man who forced illegal immigrant women to perform sex acts on him; the case of a young boy sold by kidnappers to a child pornographer; and in the season finale, a mother offering her son to a rapist in exchange for her own safety.

Wow, these crime dramas are getting kinky! I should stop watching the true-crime Court TV stuff and start checking out shows like Cold Case and CSI.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Confessions of a WalMart Hit Man

According to one of my commentors, criticizing corporations means that I hate capitalism. Let me make myself perfectly clear: I do not hate capitalism. I just think that captitalism needs to have some limits set upon it to protect workers and consumers from being screwed over by these faceless entities whose only concern is maximizing their profits. WalMart is the perfect example of just what is wrong with corporate America, and there is a documentary coming out soon by the same folks who brought us Outfoxed that takes aim at this corporate monster. The makers of that film have just released a 10 minute extended interview with a former WalMart manager who speaks candidly about what it was like...
"We used to drive through towns going 'six months, three months, six months,' of when we'd be closing them."

"I watched so many people go without lunch in the lounges that I stopped eating in the lounges."

"I consider myself the mob boss."

"It's almost like when you leave Wal-Mart you have to be debriefed to know how to be a human being."
So, proponents of unfettered corporate capitalism, I urge you to watch this video and then tell me how this is good for America.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

How to pay for this war

So after turning a budget surplus into a record high deficit by giving huge tax breaks to the wealthy and engaging in an expensive war of choice, how are you supposed to pay for it? Are we going to ask those who can most afford it to shoulder a little more of the burden? Could we perhaps cut out a few billion dollars of corporate welfare? Maybe George Bush could hold a little bake sale on the White House lawn. Nah, republicans are in charge and everyone knows how much they hate the idea of CEO's not being able to afford that 5th Bentley limo. No, the great "fiscal conservatives" are going to help pay for this war directly on the backs of the poor. You've just gotta love the republicans. At least they're consistant.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Is this how we support the troops?

For Injured U.S. Troops, 'Financial Friendly Fire'
His hand had been blown off in Iraq, his body pierced by shrapnel. He could not walk. Robert Loria was flown home for a long recovery at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, where he tried to bear up against intense physical pain and reimagine his life's possibilities.

The last thing on his mind, he said, was whether the Army had correctly adjusted his pay rate -- downgrading it because he was out of the war zone -- or whether his combat gear had been accounted for properly: his Kevlar helmet, his suspenders, his rucksack.

But nine months after Loria was wounded, the Army garnished his wages and then, as he prepared to leave the service, hit him with a $6,200 debt. That was just before last Christmas, and several lawmakers scrambled to help. This spring, a collection agency started calling. He owed another $646 for military housing.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Troops as props

Behind the scenes at one of Bush's commercials for the war:
"This is an important time," deputy assistant defense secretary Allison Barber told the troops before Bush arrived, according to the AP. "The president is looking forward to having just a conversation with you." ...

After asking for some water bottles to be removed from the shot, Barber then staged what was described as a brief rehearsal, in which she asked the soldiers to act out the order of their answers and which topics each would cover. ...

White House press secretary Scott McClellan denied that the event was staged and said the troops were expressing their own feelings. He explained that "coordination" is often needed to overcome such technological challenges as delays in transmission in the satellite feed.
For once, I'd like to see this spinmiester of a "president" take some questions from regular Americans who haven't been scripted and cleared ahead of time. I'd like to hear this jackass answer some questions like "how come you've shifted the reason for going to war in Iraq so many times?" or "how come Dick Cheney's stock options with Haliburton keep soaring while everybody I know is struggling to make ends meet?" or "would you support legislation that gives American workers as much paid vacation as you take?" Hell, I'd even love to see him take some questions from his far right base who aren't happy with him for much scarier reasons. "How come abortion is still legal?" "How come we still have socialist programs like social security and public schools?" "How come we haven't added a constitutional amendment about Jesus yet?" "Why haven't the homos been round up and shot yet?" No, I highly doubt we'll see Georgie doing anything that isn't part of an elaborate script, rehearsed a few times with supportive human props. The best we get are watching his polls drop as all those closest to him are indicted for corruption and treason. If it ever comes down to it, he won't be able to script his impeachment hearings.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

O'Reilly is the new McCarthy

Check this out... Aaron Schwartz finds eerie similarities between the rhetoric of witch hunter Joe McCarthy and Fox News blowhard Bill O'Reilly. Here's just one example:
MCCARTHY: If a stupid, arrogant or witless man in a position of power appears before our Committee and is found aiding the Communist Party, he will be exposed. The fact that he might be a General places him in no special class as far as I am concerned.

OREILLY: The only thing we can do is hold people who raise and give money to the ACLU accountable. In the weeks to come, The Factor will tell you who these people and organizations are, so you can decide whether or not you want to do business with them.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Retarded Justice

I've long asserted that right wingers are only interested in furthering their twisted agenda without any regard for anything. This blog post has all the classic elements of right wing professional victimology, but this quote takes the cake...
I wouldn't mind putting a retarded chicken on the Supreme Court if I knew for a fact that that drooling moronfowl would simply vote whatever way Scalia told it to.

Hey, why not a retarded chicken? They've got a retarded chicken in the White House who knows how to take orders from his handlers. I think what they need now is a whole army of retarded chickens to help free them from this horrible "culture dominated by liberals."

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Something like a phenomenon

George W. Bush has a new hit song. We all knew he enjoyed the white lines, but who knew he was such a big fan of Grandmaster Flash? Brought to you by the same people who got George to sing Imagine and Sunday Bloody Sunday.

And now for something completely different... those of you with high speed connections should check out the trailer for The Passion Reloaded and watch Jesus kick some ass.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

It's Boycott Time, yo!

I used to fly Southwest airlines a lot. It was a cheap and easy way for me to get up and down the East Coast back when I lived there. Sure, it's like a Greyhound bus with wings, cramped and uncomfortable, but it's cheap and the flight attendents crack jokes on the intercom. After watching some episodes of the reality show about them, I really lost a great deal of respect watching how they overbook their flights screwing ticketed passengers over every episode, then making it even more difficult to travel once the customers started getting justifiably irate. But given the chance, I'd probably still have flown with them if it was an inexpensive option for me. But then I read this article:
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Southwest Airlines kicked a woman off one of its flights over a political message on her T-shirt, the airline confirmed Thursday, and published reports say the passenger will sue.

Lorrie Heasley, of Woodland, Wash., was asked to leave her flight from Los Angeles to Portland, Ore., Tuesday for wearing a T-shirt with pictures of President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and a phrase similar to the popular film title "Meet the Fockers."
Southwest does not accept email, but they can be reached at 214-792-4223, Mon - Fri, 8:00 am - 5:00 pm CT.

File under WTF

No comment other than that this is very strange.

Who would win in a fight...

...between a Burmese Python vs and Aligator?

It doesn's take a rocket scientist to figure out who would win between a human and a shark, but shark repellent is finally available to the public. Wayne Enterprises developed an effective shark repellent in an aeresol spray can as early as 1966, but it's taken a very long time to pass the FDA requirements.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

This must stop

With all that's fucked up in the world right now, can't we please stop our celebrities from giving their kids ridiculous names? Nicholas Cage, I'm glad you like Superman, but naming your kid Kal-el is sentencing him to a life of jokes at his expense. Nice work.

In other celebrity news: Nipsey Russel, R.I.P.

Supreme Questions

So Bush has appointed a replacement for Sandra Day O'Connor and the reaction is interesting. Hardcore conservatives aren't happy. I'm usually pretty cool with any news that pisses off those assclowns. Could it be that Bush knows he doesn't have the popularity to try to put some wingnut extremist on the bench? Could the fact that she was chosen for her loyalty rather than her experience make her more dangerous? Is the lack of experience just a ploy to put in a wingnut who doesn't have a record she would have to answer to? Will her confirmation hearings give us an opportunity to see the republicans tear each other apart? If she doesn't get confirmed, is there somebody worse waiting in the wings?

We shall have to wait and see what becomes of this. In the meantime, this ought to put a smile on your faces... Tom Delay indicted on 2 more counts!