Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Brownback Mountain

Anyone who listens to Howard Stern is familiar with Senator Brownback. He's one of those great conservative cultural warriors. When it comes to issues of "decency" or other key issues of the lunatic fringe of the religious right, he's about as subtle as a jackhammer. But is he witty enough to make a double entendre about gays in Sweden? You be the judge.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

It's joke time

As promised, I'm going to tell you all a joke. This isn't just any joke, it's a very famous, very dirty joke. There's a whole movie out about this joke. You may have heard about it. So if you are easily offended, just get the hell away from this blog right now. OK, you've been warned.

So this guy, let's just call him George, walks into a talent agent's office and proudly exclaims "Have I got an act for you!"

(This is your last chance to turn away from this joke, people)

The talent agent asks him what kind of an act and he tells him that it's a family act. The agent says "I'm sorry, but I don't book family acts," but George says "trust me, you've never seen an act like this before! It's totally fantastificational." So the agent asks him to describe the act.


(Seriously folks, it's about to get really fucking vile right here. You've had plenty of chances to bail here, so don't go complaining to me after the fact.)


"Well," starts George, "first I come out on stage in a powder blue 70's style tuxedo with all the ruffles and stuff and I walk up to a podium with the presidential seal on it. I tell the crowd that I have found a weapon of mass destruction in Iraq. Then my buddy Dick comes goosestepping out on stage in a full SS regalia, snears at the audience, smacks me upside my head and says 'you dumbass, it's not a weapon of MASS destruction you found, it's a weapon of ASS destruction.' Then he tears off my tux (it's got that velcro stuff on it to make it easier to tear you know), bends me over the podium, and proceeds to ram a large deplecated uranium artillery shell up my ass. While he's doing this, my twin daughters come out on stage. They take off all of their clothes and Jenna sits in a chair while Barbara climbs to the top of a step ladder above her. Barbara chugs not one, not two but three 40 Oz bottle of the finest malt liquor from the great state of Texas while Jenna launches some ping pong balls into the audience using only her well worked love muscles. Barbara then takes out a beer bong, hands Jenna the drinking end of it which she puts in her mouth as Barbara lets loose a hot, alcohol infused stream of pee into the funnel end. Keep in mind, all the while Dick is still saddamhussein-itizing me with that artillery shell and I'm making chimp faces and monkey sounds to the absolute delight of the crowd. So after Jenna knocks back her sister's recycled beer bong like a true UT sorrority sister, she proceeds to belch out the national anthem while the audience rise to their feet and salute. Then my dear wife Laura comes out on the stage wearing nothing but a confederate flag g-string and pointy metallic pasties, carrying a big old hunting knife. She grabs Dick by the balls, plunges the knife into his chest, pulls out his heart, then takes out a kaiser bun, throws it into the air, slices it samurai-style and then puts Dick's heart on it with some mayo, tomatoes and a sprig of parsley. That's when my parents come out. George Senior and Barbara act all surprised that this sort of stuff is going on, but Laura smoothes them over by offering them a delishamous sandwich. Mom and Dad share the sandwich while watching the girls demonstrate their polishing skills on that artillery shell and this makes them so happy that they rip their clothes off too. Dad grabs Jenna and starts fucking her in the ass while Mom takes the younger Barbara, sticks her head between her old lady legs and proceeds to give her instruction in the cunilinguinistical arts. Laura and I watch this for a few minutes before bringing my younger brother Jeb out on stage. Laura cracks a whip and Jeb drops trou and lies down on the stage. Laura squats over his chest and gives him a huge Cleveland Steamer with little chunks of corn in it, then commands him to go give a Lewinsky job to Dick's body lying in the corner. Now Jebby's usually up for anything, but he's not into necrophilia, so he calls our family doctor, Bill Frist, to examine Dick via satellite. Bill says that Dick is indeed alive, so Jeb goes down on him. By now, Mom and Dad have switched twins and the older Barbara is felching Pop's spooge out of Jenna's gaping bunghole while the younger Barbara is licking dad's balls. That's when I start breakdancing, doing back spins sliding in all the blood, piss, shit and jizz that has accumulated by now on the stage while Laura sings It's Tricky by Run DMC. I flip over so I'm just spinning on the tip of my dick and the crowd just goes wild at this point. After that, we pretty much go into an improvised Mongolian Cluster Fuck with a few guest stars like my pals Rummy and Wolfy come in and sing some Toby Keith songs while passing a gerbil back and forth using only their assholes. At one point, we have Rick Santorum try to interrupt the whole thing saying that gay marriage leads to man on dog sex and the twins strip him naked and hold him down while Barney the dog makes him taste his little red rocket. There's this other part where we bring out uncle Ronnie's rotting corpse and we all take turns fucking parts of that. I'm in an eye socket while dad's in the bullet wound in his chest and Laura and the twins take turns grinding up against that shellacked head of hair of his. As we all collapse into a big stinking pile of limbs, tits, cocks and bodily fluids, I get up and say 'Mission Accomplished' and then we all take a bow."

The talent agent is amazed at what he just heard. "So what do you call this act," he asks.

George replies with a snap of his fingers, "I call it... The Artistomats!"

UPDATE:
Let's all give a warm welcome to those friendly fascists from freak republic!

Friday, January 27, 2006

New Blog Renter

Let's all give a hearty San Francisco Liberal welcome to Wonderland Or Not. It was a tough choice between two sassy, smart and liberal lady bloggers, but the webmistress of Wonderland or Not seems to take it very personally when people reject her rental bids, and I just didn't have the heart to disappoint somebody who posts about readers she'd like to fuck alongside posts about the genocide in the Sudan and random Springsteen lyrics. I look forward to exploring this blog more, and so should you, so give her some blog love and click that thumbnail on the right hand side, would you? Now I guess I'll have to actually write a post or two so she gets her credits worth. Tune in on Monday when I attempt to tell a joke.

I'd also like to give a shoutout to the runner up, C-o-nSpriracy.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Hello it's me

Wow, it's been almost 2 weeks since I've posted anything. Why is that, you ask? Well for one, it's kind of hard to think about politics when you've got a baby now just one month away from coming out. Then there's the fact that my boss has been micromanaging the fuck out of me which doesn't allow for worktime blogging. And then there's also the fact that downloading and listening to Howard Stern's new uncensored show on Sirius is a whole lot more entertaining than getting all worked up over the neocons, the religious nutjobs and the corporate robber barons who are fighting daily to make this country the worst place it could be for regular everyday people like myself. I had no idea that George Takei was so damn funny. The bad language doesn't make the show funnier, but their freedom to say whatever they want makes it so much more enjoyable than the whole last year of them bitching about how they weren't allowed to do anything they wanted to.

So anyway, I don't really have a political rant for today. People are still getting killed in Iraq. Our elected leaders are a bunch of criminals. Our corporate CEOs are still maximizing their pofits by fucking over the workforce. And our president continues to make an ass of himself every single day, like this...

Monday, January 16, 2006

New Blog Renter and Happy MLK Day!

First off, let's give a warm San Francisco Liberal welcome to this week's blog renter, Haunted House Dressing. It's a blog that does not appear to have a political agenda, but instead has a little bit of everything and is extremely well written. Go ahead and click that thumbnail to the right and check it out.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr,s birtday. Despite the fact that republicans fought hard to keep this from becoming a national holiday, I am not going to politicize it. Just read what the man had to say:
One who condones evils is just as guilty as the one who perpetrates it.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Cowardice asks the question - is it safe?
Expediency asks the question - is it politic?
Vanity asks the question - is it popular?
But conscience asks the question - is it right?
And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular; but one must take it because it is right.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Wisdom born of experience should tell us that war is obsolete. There may have been a time when war served as a negative good by preventing the spread and growth of an evil force... If we assume that life is worth living, if we assume that mankind has the right to survive, then we must find an alternative to war.

We have flown the air like birds and swum the seas like fishes, but have yet to learn the simple act of walking the earth like brothers.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Workers 1 - Walmart 0

The state of Maryland just overrode their governor's veto to force WalMart to pay more health benefits! This is great news for low income workers and could help get the ball rolling to providing better health care for all workers. Wal-Mart is not pleased. They say that it's nothing but partisan politics involving the gubernatorial race. If that's the case, I still can't find a problem with that. What could better illustrate the true republican colors of being more concerned with the corporate bottom line than with the needs of the workforce? Between this and the recent documentary, Wal-Mart is feeling the heat. They've hired themselves a "right wing hit squad" to defend them against these big bad attacks, and their CEO has sent out a memo full of union-bashing goodness. Could the tide finally be turning for corporations getting away with artificially inflating their stock value at the expense of the workers? I certainly hope so.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Pat Robertson: Asshat of the Highest Order

Hey Pat, here's a little hint for you: if you're planning on building an evengelical Christian theme park in Israel, perhaps you should reconsider saying that God struck down Ariel Sharon for dividing the holy land. Dumbass. Even snarkier comments available on the mefi thread.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Anonymous commenters, watch what you say!

It is now a federal crime to annoy somebody on the internet without disclosing your identity. I swear, I'm not making this up. Buried deeply within the Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act is section 113 which contains this little morsel of stupidity...
"Whoever...utilizes any device or software that can be used to originate telecommunications or other types of communications that are transmitted, in whole or in part, by the Internet... without disclosing his identity and with intent to annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass any person...who receives the communications...shall be fined under title 18 or imprisoned not more than two years, or both."
Now, I'm all for people owning what they write online, but this is ridiculous. For one thing, how does this effect anonymous bloggers such as myself and more than half of the blogosphere? I know that I write things meant to annoy certain people. Hell, I remember before there was an internet and I was using dialup BBS's that the majority of discussions were massive anonymous flame wars over whether or not Yes could be considered fusion or who had the best D&D character. Is this law even enforceable? Read more here (via metafilter)

Friday, January 06, 2006

Bush and Domestic Spying

When I see ads like this, I wish I worked for the DNC now instead of during the embarassment that was the Gore campaign.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Welcome new Blog Renter

Another warm San Francisco Liberal welcome to our newest blog renter, With Sticks and Stones. It was a tough choice between this and Independent Christian Voice. Both are great blogs, but I chose this one for the snark. Please support my new tennant by clicking the "featured blog" thumbnail on the right column.

In honor of the new tennent, here's more of Letterman making [more of] a fool of O'Reilly:

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Letterman Factor

Check this out: Bill O'Reilly being spanked by David Letterman, and not in the way Bill O'Reilly enjoys being spanked. Be sure to hear the guffaws from the audience when falafel-boy claims to not have any friends in the White House.

There's also a highlight reel at Salon which includes the beginning of the segment where Dave compares Bill's "War on Christmas" to people wanting to put diapers on horses. Good stuff!