Saturday, January 28, 2006

It's joke time

As promised, I'm going to tell you all a joke. This isn't just any joke, it's a very famous, very dirty joke. There's a whole movie out about this joke. You may have heard about it. So if you are easily offended, just get the hell away from this blog right now. OK, you've been warned.

So this guy, let's just call him George, walks into a talent agent's office and proudly exclaims "Have I got an act for you!"

(This is your last chance to turn away from this joke, people)

The talent agent asks him what kind of an act and he tells him that it's a family act. The agent says "I'm sorry, but I don't book family acts," but George says "trust me, you've never seen an act like this before! It's totally fantastificational." So the agent asks him to describe the act.

(Seriously folks, it's about to get really fucking vile right here. You've had plenty of chances to bail here, so don't go complaining to me after the fact.)

"Well," starts George, "first I come out on stage in a powder blue 70's style tuxedo with all the ruffles and stuff and I walk up to a podium with the presidential seal on it. I tell the crowd that I have found a weapon of mass destruction in Iraq. Then my buddy Dick comes goosestepping out on stage in a full SS regalia, snears at the audience, smacks me upside my head and says 'you dumbass, it's not a weapon of MASS destruction you found, it's a weapon of ASS destruction.' Then he tears off my tux (it's got that velcro stuff on it to make it easier to tear you know), bends me over the podium, and proceeds to ram a large deplecated uranium artillery shell up my ass. While he's doing this, my twin daughters come out on stage. They take off all of their clothes and Jenna sits in a chair while Barbara climbs to the top of a step ladder above her. Barbara chugs not one, not two but three 40 Oz bottle of the finest malt liquor from the great state of Texas while Jenna launches some ping pong balls into the audience using only her well worked love muscles. Barbara then takes out a beer bong, hands Jenna the drinking end of it which she puts in her mouth as Barbara lets loose a hot, alcohol infused stream of pee into the funnel end. Keep in mind, all the while Dick is still saddamhussein-itizing me with that artillery shell and I'm making chimp faces and monkey sounds to the absolute delight of the crowd. So after Jenna knocks back her sister's recycled beer bong like a true UT sorrority sister, she proceeds to belch out the national anthem while the audience rise to their feet and salute. Then my dear wife Laura comes out on the stage wearing nothing but a confederate flag g-string and pointy metallic pasties, carrying a big old hunting knife. She grabs Dick by the balls, plunges the knife into his chest, pulls out his heart, then takes out a kaiser bun, throws it into the air, slices it samurai-style and then puts Dick's heart on it with some mayo, tomatoes and a sprig of parsley. That's when my parents come out. George Senior and Barbara act all surprised that this sort of stuff is going on, but Laura smoothes them over by offering them a delishamous sandwich. Mom and Dad share the sandwich while watching the girls demonstrate their polishing skills on that artillery shell and this makes them so happy that they rip their clothes off too. Dad grabs Jenna and starts fucking her in the ass while Mom takes the younger Barbara, sticks her head between her old lady legs and proceeds to give her instruction in the cunilinguinistical arts. Laura and I watch this for a few minutes before bringing my younger brother Jeb out on stage. Laura cracks a whip and Jeb drops trou and lies down on the stage. Laura squats over his chest and gives him a huge Cleveland Steamer with little chunks of corn in it, then commands him to go give a Lewinsky job to Dick's body lying in the corner. Now Jebby's usually up for anything, but he's not into necrophilia, so he calls our family doctor, Bill Frist, to examine Dick via satellite. Bill says that Dick is indeed alive, so Jeb goes down on him. By now, Mom and Dad have switched twins and the older Barbara is felching Pop's spooge out of Jenna's gaping bunghole while the younger Barbara is licking dad's balls. That's when I start breakdancing, doing back spins sliding in all the blood, piss, shit and jizz that has accumulated by now on the stage while Laura sings It's Tricky by Run DMC. I flip over so I'm just spinning on the tip of my dick and the crowd just goes wild at this point. After that, we pretty much go into an improvised Mongolian Cluster Fuck with a few guest stars like my pals Rummy and Wolfy come in and sing some Toby Keith songs while passing a gerbil back and forth using only their assholes. At one point, we have Rick Santorum try to interrupt the whole thing saying that gay marriage leads to man on dog sex and the twins strip him naked and hold him down while Barney the dog makes him taste his little red rocket. There's this other part where we bring out uncle Ronnie's rotting corpse and we all take turns fucking parts of that. I'm in an eye socket while dad's in the bullet wound in his chest and Laura and the twins take turns grinding up against that shellacked head of hair of his. As we all collapse into a big stinking pile of limbs, tits, cocks and bodily fluids, I get up and say 'Mission Accomplished' and then we all take a bow."

The talent agent is amazed at what he just heard. "So what do you call this act," he asks.

George replies with a snap of his fingers, "I call it... The Artistomats!"

Let's all give a warm welcome to those friendly fascists from freak republic!


Blogger Frodo Corleone said...

I saw that DVD last night... funny stuff. I like the dead uncle Ronnie part... haha

1/28/2006 07:55:00 AM  
Blogger utenzi said...

It'd be funnier if it wasn't happening

1/28/2006 08:36:00 AM  
Blogger Liberal Traitor said...

I can't believe I lost to Sanity's freakin' BLuff in Battle of the Blogs with this post!!! At least I only lost by one vote. There's at least 7 of you out there with a sick sense of humor like mine. Thank you.

1/28/2006 09:23:00 AM  
Blogger Chromatius said...

That's real sick, guy

1/28/2006 09:35:00 AM  
Blogger Liberal Traitor said...

You were warned repeatedly, dude. Besides, it's still a whole lot cleaner than Bob Saget's version.

1/28/2006 09:37:00 AM  
Blogger EsotericWombat said...

hmmm... yeah, that's better than my version. I should get back to the drawing board.

I think I liked Sarah Silverman's the best.

1/28/2006 09:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Paragraphs anybody? Geez the least you could do is make it readable.

1/28/2006 02:36:00 PM  
Blogger Liberal Traitor said...

And where might you suggest a paragraph break in all of that?

1/28/2006 02:48:00 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

I don't get it.

1/29/2006 11:14:00 AM  
Blogger Liberal Traitor said...

Fred, this ought to explain

1/29/2006 07:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like a good "joke" as well as anybody but, I can't believe anybody wasted there time writing this, and I still can't believe I sat here and read most of it. You can't think of anything better to do? I got sidetracked to this point because I started reading opinions on child support, and some of you out there don't think they ought to have to pay if they are't living in the same house as the child. I can agree with that to a certain extent. It takes TWO people to make the child, then two people ought to be raising the child, unfortunately, these days, way too many young folks especially find it the easiest way to get a free check, and then forget its supposed to be used for the child's benefit, we have so many young girls and guys using this as their way to get an allowance and totally forget that a precious, innocent human being has been put into their safekeeping. I know, I sound sappy, forgive me if I think children are precious beings to be cherished, to be lead and taught and not just had and made to raise themselves while mom and dad go on about their daily business of "Me" first activities instead of helping with homework, or teaching them to play ball or just staying at home with them keeping them safe. I am sappy, I just lost one of my precious "children" he was 34 years old but that didn't make him any less, one of my precious babies.So many times, it is forgotten the responsibility that is supposed to go along with parenthood.I don't believe that a father should feel, " I give her money for the kid, what else does she want from me?" The momma may not want more but the child deserves more! By the same token, the mother shouldn't say " If you don't pay me money, you can't see my child!!!" For whatever reason he's not paying child support, it shouldn't be used against the child, they still have the right and the need to see the absent parent. The monies are between the parents, don't hold the children hostage for the child support. And I know, the guys want to say, hey she told me she was protected or whatever, but Hey, you still have the choice to use your own protection, just to be on the safe side, then there wouldn't be the situation when its all said and done, It takes two, anyway you want to look at it.

1/30/2006 12:34:00 AM  
Blogger Chandira said...

LOL.. that was quite a read..

1/31/2006 02:08:00 PM  
Blogger J.R. Kinnard said...

Actually, it only takes one woman, a turkey baster, and some spooge to make a child. But point taken.

Great post. I'm linking to it as we speak.

1/31/2006 02:39:00 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Ah, Kinnard, so well spoken! I came here via his link, and I must say, this is fucking awesome.

1/31/2006 11:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Sir/Ma'am,
I would like to sincerely thank you for reminding me of how great our country is. Only in America can you, in too few words, say that our president is a huge douche-bag. Bravo! You diserve a huge fuckin' metal.

2/27/2006 01:21:00 AM  

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